


Miraculous Crack

by Miraculousstars



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack, Crack with Plot, Enemies to Friends, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Friends to Lovers, Fun, Humor, LMAO, LadyNoir - Freeform, Randomness, but mostly crack, did i mention crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-10-09 09:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17404250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miraculousstars/pseuds/Miraculousstars
Summary: Don’t lose too many brain cells!(Mild use of profanity and some... inappropriate jokes.)I update this when I’m booooored.(Changed my mind about the Spanish thing)





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the chapter! (It’s a safe space here)

Ladybug sat at her and Chat's meeting place: the Eiffel Tower. She was dangerously close to leaving though. Sure, she's only waited about... two minutes, but if her lazy ass partnership couldn't be bothered to show up within the next two seconds, then kitty was about to become cat food—  
"Well, hello m'ladytective. I must say, you look ravishing in red today–"  
He was interrupted mid speech with Ladybug's fist. "Listen up, ass clown! First of all, you show up two minutes late! A whole two minutes! Then you tell me I look 'ravishing in red' like the creep you are! I ALWAYS wear red! Have you been colorblind this whole time? You know what, don't answer that. Let's just start patrol already so I can go home."

  
With that, Ladybug jumped off the tower and started racing across the roof tops. Chat Noir decided to stay back and take a moment to appreciate her fine - well, everything but mostly her ass - before beginning to parkour after her.

                        * * * *                 

"Come on Ladybug, I'm hungryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy–"  
"How many 'y's are you gonna put?" She replied.  
"Enough to make you let us go to McDonald's. I don't care if you forgot your money at home, I'll pay for both of us - call it being a gentleman. Pleeeeeaaaaassssseeeee just let us goooooooooooooooooo–"  
"Alright, alright!" Ladybug took a deep breath before mumbling, "I'll let us go to McDonald's.  
The neko boy sucked in a deep breath before punching a fist in the air and screaming "YESSSSS! A DATE!"

"Wait, What?"

                         * * * *               

"I can't believe I let you take me and your fat ass to McD's." The red spotted heroine grumbled.  
"But you know you have one too!" Chat didn't even get a chance to wink before his tail was grabbed so fast he got *le gasp*  
WHIPLASH  
"Hey, my drink-"  
"Listen here, cat boy!" Yes, Ladybug knew that the cat themed superhero didn't like being compared to the PJ Masks character.  
But did that stop her from using it?

  
Hell No.  
"You can keep calling me your stupid nickname 'm'lady'. I'll even let you keep calling 'bugaboo'. But one more joke about me and my 'sex appeal' and I'll have you flying out of our relationship so fast, you'll get whiplash."  
"But you already gave me whiplash-"  
"Shh! Am I understood?"  
"Opaque."  
Having had enough for the day, Ladybug dropped the teen (on his head) and shouted a quick goodbye before bounding off into the night.

The partner she left behind though had a bit of a *ahem* situation with his suit...  
more specifically his pants. As it turns out, Chat Noir likes being manhandled by Ladybug.  
And he wanted more.


	2. Chapter 2

"You know want me, bugaboo. This cat is just irresistible."  
"Is that so? Because I can resist you very well by pushing you off this tower right now."

The pair were sitting on the rails at the top of the Eiffel Tower, their feet dangling off the edge. They looked like totally normal people having a totally normal conversation. Well, that's just what Chat thought. Ladybug knew better.

 

                          * * * *

 

"Say, are you made up of cherries or strawberries Ladybug? If you don't know, then maybe you could let me have a taste~"

"Hmm, let's see: I'm made up of neither, but I am made up of a special solution containing ass-kicking and creep repellent. Although lately, it hasn't been working very well."  
"Yowch. You have to be gentle with the kitty, LB. it's not nice to engage in animal cruelty."  
"Maybeeee I wouldn't engage if my partner wasn't such a HOE!!"

Chat gasped, looking so completely shell-shocked that Ladybug started to wonder if she'd gone too far.

But she didn't have to, because within seconds a flirty grin was being shot her way.  
"Spot on." Her partner said before slipping off the railing and landing behind it onto the platform (where you're actually supposed to stand). Ladybug turned around to watch whatever her partner was doing.

Chat took his baton and extended it until it went from the ceiling to the floor. Then he put one hand on the pole and started – to Ladybug's bewilderment – twirling on it.

Her jaw dropped open. Half of her wanted to scream and get out of there pronto, but the other half of her, the more 'wild side' of her wanted to watch. So she stayed, staring up at her weird partner who she was slowly starting to get attracted to (and aroused by), watching his movements on the pole. He twirled and lifted himself up flawlessly, performing the moves with the fluidity of water. She couldn't help but watch until he decided to stop (she personally hoped NEVER) rather than run away.  
She was transfixed.

 

                          * * * *

  
"Ladybug, you cant resist me and my charm (plus my good looks)." Her partner stated. Then, out of the blue he shouted "JUICE" and a juice bottle plummeted out of the sky from seemingly nowhere. "Oh, look, a juice bottle."  
Chat Noir said before picking said bottle up and placing it in between his legs. "Are you sure you don't want me? I've got a JUICY DICK!"

Ladybug snatched the bottle from his legs, opened it and dumped its contents on him so fast that he didn't really process what was happening.

She began laughing really loud and started attracting the attention of civilians milling on the streets of Paris (Ladynoir were doing day patrol).  
They all looked up, saw their heroine having a hysterical fit of giggles and her partner soaked in sticky orange juice.

"Hey," Ladybug wheezed, pointing at the juice dripping from his drenched hair, "did that come from your dick too or..." she trailed off and started laughing again.

Kit Kat made a scowling face at her, before chasing her on the rooftops.

People took many photos of the soaked cat and uploaded them onto *catstagram*.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you liked it!   
> Leave kudos if you want more.


	3. Chapter 3

"I want POPSICLES!!"

 

Hawkmoth's newest wardrobe-malfunctioned disaster called herself 'the refrigerator'. No one knew exactly why she was akumatised. Maybe it was because they ran out of Ben & Jerry's at the store... come to think of it, Ladybug wanted some ice cream too – her period was starting soon.

"COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM!"

"Yeah," LB replied, "me too."

"Hey m'lady- wa – ohh!"

Her annoying creep of a partner (who could also POLE DANCE for some reason) decided to show up, and slipped on a particularly slippery roof of Ice Cream™️. Because The Refrigerator wanted ice cream, she made herself some. With people starring as the ingredients.

 

"ICCCEEEEE CREAAAAAMMMN!"

"Woah. An ice cream akuma? This is great!"

"How so?" The black spotted heroine looked at her partner.

"Because I have been practicing a lot of ice puns!" Chat Noir's face lit up with glee. His partner would've found it cute if he wasn't... who he was.

"Hey, ice queen-"

"You've already used that one." Ladybug reminded him.

"When?"

"With Stormy Weather. Seriously, Chat Noir, if you're going to make puns, make up some newer ones at least. Stormy Weather was over A YEAR AGO!"

"Oh, yeah. Hey fridge! Do wanna freeze this popsicle?"

"POPSICLES!"

"Follow me!" LB screamed.

"What are you doing?" CN asked.

"I'm going to try to find where her akuma is. You distract her."

"Okay!" The black-kitted kitty rolled his neck and cracked his knuckles.

 

"I'm so ready."

 

               *       *      *      *

 

"COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREEEEAAAAAMMMMMMM!"

"What do you call nuts that have been in the freezer?"

The akuma victim looked genuinely confused as to what the neko boi was saying. So confused, she stood completely still (froze if you will ;) allowing Ladybug to locate her akuma.

"NumbNuts!" Chat Noir started laughing hysterically at his own joke, and that somehow pissed the akuma victim off. Or probably Hawkmoth was whispering things in her ear, like "Make sure you grab that cat booty and freeze it! I want to stare at it forever! Don't forget the miraculouses though."

 

"FREEEEZZZEEE!"

Being the complete DOOFUS he is, Chat Noir stood very still.

"What are you doing?" LB shouted.

"She said freeze-"

"I'M GONNA FREEZE HIS BALLS OFF!"

"No thanks," cat boy's hand started making a slow descent to his pelvic area, covering his *parts*, "I like my nuts."

"Well, they're about to be numb!"

For once, the refrigerator wasn't shouting. At least, not very loud.

"Hey, you stole my joke-"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence (or maybe he did .-.) before a huge hand scooooped him up and brought him closer. And closer. And closer.

"I'm about to feel those nuts in my...  freezer _drawer._ " The Refrigerator giggled with a hint of lust.

"No, no thanks!"

"Oh, YES PLEASE! With a CHERRY ON TOP!"

She giggled again. Ladybug held the akumatised object in her hand and was about to purify it, but she wondered if she should...

After all, her partner was finally getting his just desserts. An _ice_ dessert.

"NO! Help!" The cat boy was being brought closer to The Refrigerator's nether regions. So, LB took pity on him and purified it.

 

"MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!"

 

Everything was fixed. The Refrigerator turned back into a normal girl. Her pants had a little *ahem* red on them. (Ladybug thought about going up to the girl and telling her that they were strawberry milkshake buddies, but then thought better of it.) and ran off to tell her friends about how she nearly frick-fracked with "a superhero! EEEEE!"

The rooftops became un-slippery, and people were able to wank around without the fear of being put in The Refrigerator's drawers shudder*.

 

Hawkmoth cried over not being able to see Chat Noir's booty, and closed his gigantic moth window.

 

Everything in Paris was peaceful again. Well, as peaceful as you can be in a tourist trap city.

 

"Hey, before we go-"

"Hay is for horses, Chat Noir."

Chat just looked confused before continuing, "One last joke."

"Fiiiinnnnnneee."

"After that attack, I'm in the mood for some popsicles, and I bet you are too."

Ladybug nodded, how did he know?

"Sooooooo... do you want a lick of _mine_?"

 

Chat was still wiggling his eyebrows flying through the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos if you liked it!  
> Leave a comment if you want more. ♥️


	4. Buster pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lady Perra = Lady Bitch  
> HunCon 2019 —> https://hunbdsm-con.eu/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have heard of Thomas the Tank Engine...
> 
> But what about Thomas the Horse?

Ugh. Thomas watched his black-spotted heroine through the wall of the crowd. He loved everything about her, the way she talked, the way she walked, the way she beat her partner up —

 

Speaking of her partner, what was up with him? A catsuit, really? What, was he dressing up for HunCon 2019? Thomas would never know, but he wanted to warn Ladybug of her kinky partner just in case.

As he watched the stupid tomcat flirt with HIS girl, he knew one thing.

 

He was gonna karate chop a kitty.

 

________

 

"Hey m'lady! Now I just have to know where you got your ocean eyes from. Did you take 'em from the sky, or is your dad Poseidon?"

"My dad would beat your kiss-ass if he knew you."

"Yeowch...  someone's on her redddd-"

Cat boy was interrupted by a fist knocking his face from side to side.

 

"Well, now YOU'RE bleeding. Ha."

And with that, Lady Perra sped away.

 

________

 

Now, Thomas had seen the whole exchange between Ladybug  and her partner. And while he was proud of his spotted beauty, her feline friend was at the top of his kill list. A black butterfly abomination thing started fluttering up to him, and he saw darkness.

 

When he came to, Thomas decided to bust some cat nuts.

 

________

 

"I AM BUSTER!!"

 

The newly akumatised villain (Thomas new and improved) stormed up, and started throwing shit.

 

"WHERE ARE YOU TOMCAT?! OR ARE YOU TOO CHICKEN, PUSSY?"

Ladybug had been recently interested in the dark arts and she liked to practice it in her spare time. Within a split second, she and Chat Noir materialized out of nowhere,

 

"No, Buster," Chat started, "I am not a chicken nor a pussy. Besides, the only pussy I want is standing right next to me —"

A blow to his stomach shut him up.

"What do you want, Buster?" LB yawned.

"I want you, Ladybug. I want you, and I want tomcat here to perish!"

 

"Ya do realize you're called Tom too, right?" Author questioned.

" Yes, I know that! Stop breaking the 4th wall Author!"

"Okay, geez." Author receded back into the shadows.

"Well, Buster, I don't want to perish actually. I very much like being alive, and seeing m'lady."

"AAAGGGHHH! She is NOT your LADY! She wants to be WITH ME, RIGHT LADYBUG?"

"Yeah, sure, anything to get away from this stray."

"Nuuuu, Ladybug stay with meeeee ! (• . •)"

 

"Crap, now I have to choose between the loony and the alley cat... Sorry Buster, but I'll have to leave your stalker ass and stay with cat boy over here."

"Yay! I knew you'd choose me!" Chat hugged LB.

".... Shut up."

 

"HEY, PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I'm an akuma hoe, REMEMBER???"

"Yeah, the hoe part fits in well." Chat remarked.

 

"Be gone, Thot!" And the akuma came out of its resting place, letting LB purify it.

 

Hooray, it's not a zombie fly anymore! It's free!

 

"Ugh, my head... Hey, why are you here? Shouldn't you be somewhere, I dunno, licking your junk or sumthin?" Thomas very Rudely said to Chat Noir.

 

"Hay is for horses, Thomas. And although you like to ~ neigh ~, your junk surely isn't as big. You'd think a pony would live up to expectation."

 

All was still for a moment.

 

Then Paris erupted in union:

"BUUUUURRRRNNNN!"

 

Even Ladybug joined in. A pair of Aviator shades fell out the sky and landed onto Chat's face, nearly poking his eye out.

 

Thomas tucked his horse tail between his legs, waddling away, his cheeks burning the same color as his heroine's suit. Chat Douchebag Noir was not only at the top of his kill list, but ALSO at the top of his 'MUST EXTERMINATE' list.

 

Ladybug will be his.

 

*NEIGH*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a part two of this!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Biggest amount of words I’ve ever written  
> Hope y’all enjoy it!  
> So sorry it took so long  
> Over a month  
> Geez

[The frickin kis](https://twitter.com/lotodifiore/status/1107709581210333185?s=21)s

"You are kidding, right?"

Chat Noir asked Ladybug. "You're not really going to toss me into the Seine on my next catnap, right? We're- I mean, we're f-friends, right?" Ladybug relished in the scaredy cat lookChat was giving her.

 

"Of course not, Chaton, we're not friends. And yes, I am going to throw you into the Seine during your next nap. You better prepare yourself. Because you. Are. Going. Down. Oops, did I say 'down?' I meant DROWN you ally cat!" She started to chase him across the Parisian rooftops. It may have seemed silly, but it was all part of her plan to tire him out so he would want a nap. Then she would strike.

 

______

 

Chat Noir felt too scared to sleep. He was insanely tired, but he didn't want to lose one of his nine lives today. What if LB actually killed him? And no one ever found his body? Maybe he should escape. He had to find a way to ditch her and get back home before she found him. So he rolled out from behind the trash cans in the deep dark alley he had hidden in. But before he could make it, he was suddenly dragged back behind the bins, and the only evidence he had ever been there was a tuft Of blonde hair.

 

______

 

 

"Chat? Chat where are you?"

Ladybug was getting increasingly worried. Surely he knew she was joking, right? Although she did keep saying she was DEFINITELY going to throw him over.

 

Wait. What if she scared him away by saying that she was gonna drown him? OMG! He thought she was gonna kill him! Okay, now she was scared. Was he hiding from her? Did she just lose he partner? What was HAPPENING?

 

"Chat Noir, I'm sorry! I'm not gonna kill you, I won't even get revenge anymore! Just please come back!" Again, no response. Ladybug was super regretful.

 

______

 

"Who are you? Why am I here?" Chat asked. A trampoline dude just dragged him from his chill space behind the bins. Sure, it smelled...

like, really, really bad. But that didn't mean he wanted to get kidnapped.

 

"I am... actually, I won't tell you my name. Just know that I'm someone important." the tramp said. Yeah... looking at him, Adrien definitely thought he was important. With his long grey beard, infused with beetles and worms. And his dirty red beanie, with the words in faded black 'FAK YOU'.

 

"Ok. And as to why I'm here...?"

"Oh, that's because I needed to see you in person. At last, I get to see the Golden Sunshine Child™️. I can't believe it's really you! Oh my Chuck, I can't believe it! Oh, thank the Sunshine Gods!"

 

The tramp started singing well-known gospel songs, but replaced the words with 'Sunshine Child! Oh thank the Lord, I met the Sunshine Child!' And during all of this, Chat started to feel thoroughly weirded out. What was happening to the world? And how was there a golden palace materializing right in front of his eyes in the middle of an alley? So many questions.

 

______

 

In the meantime, whilst that cray-cray shit was going on, Ladybug started to ask civilians if they had seen the cat-themed hero. Those who she had asked started to join her in her search. Even Lila said she wanted to help, something about her whore self wanting to 'bang that kitty while he's hot'. Though LB doubted that would ever happen. Usually, she would explode but she was too worried to care. Her partner was missing, and despite all the punches and kicks she'd given him, all the fun she'd made of him, she still didn't want to lose him.Sure, she'd threatened to kill him, but we all make mistakes. Right?

 

And now she'd built up an army of people to find him. Hopefully, not drowned in the Seine...

*gulp*

 

 ______

 

 

"This palace is pretty neat."

Chat said between swallows of mashed potato. "The Sunshine Child deserves only the best!" The tramp had said.

 

"Wait," Chat sipped some white wine, "how do I know this isn't poisoned?"

"It is!" The Tramp™️ put on a feral grin and began to maliciously laugh. "I've always been jealous of you, Golden One! Jealous of your hair...." he took one grimy hand out and stroked Chat's hair. "And jealous of your looks." He took the other hand hand and started stroking his face.

 

Chat was totally creeped out. Before he knew it, the Tramp™️ was leaning in for a kiss! Need I remind you that this is a kids show??? Who knew that such nice tramp could be such a pedophile?!

 

He was about to scream for help (and tell him that he wasn't gay), but he found out that he couldn't. The poison must've immobilized him! He couldn't move, couldn't speak. He was going to die in the arms of a homeless dude, with the last taste of buttery mashed potato in his mouth, forever cherished.

 

Goodbye, cruel world!

 

 ______

 

 

The tuft Of hair on the floor was a sign, Chat Noir must not be dead! Ladybug signaled her large mob of hormonal angsty Parisian teens. Go time!

 

______

 

 

The Golden Child™️ feared for his life. He thought remotely of the beauty and the beast, and how he was a bit like Belle. Except that he wasn't a girl (no matter what his Father thinks) and Belle didn't die.

 

The beast- I mean, the tramp, once again started leaning in. Chat was brought back to the situation at hand. That he was about to get MOLESTED by the seemingly nice tramp.

 

Now Adrien understood what his father meant by not trusting poor people. Rule One in the Book of Gabriel:NEVER EVER, despite how good they seem, trust poor people.

 

As he was trying to remember Rule Two, The Tramp™️ was closing in (Chat wondered why it had been over 5 minutes of leaning in and the Tramp™️ still hadn’t done ANYTHING). He was getting closer...

 

BANG

 

The glass windows of the Palace shattered, glass spraying everywhere. His Lady in Red stood in front of the place the deceased window had been, gun still smoking.

 

If he could, Chat would start crying tears of relief. There was a crowd of people, who had all stood seeing the inappropriate position he and the fake-nice-homeless-dude were in...

It looked very suspicious. 

 

“Chat, are you okay?” Ladybug asked worriedly. But obviously Chat didn’t reply cuz of the white wine poison.

 

It was a shame, because he was in love with that nice-ass mashed potato (seriously, he was gonna take that shit home). So he just sat sat there, with his knees bent and the Tramp in between them.

 

“Right,” one of the teens started. “Let’s burn this place!” There was an uproar. To be frank, the teens only wanted to come because they wanted some stress relief. And arson was apparently the best way to do that (duh).

 

All in all, they did actually care for Chat, especially Lila, who shoved the Tramp™️ off him and put herself in between instead.

 

“Hey, pussycat. D’ya need some milk?” She said sultrily. Again, Chat just laid there. He would shake his head if he could, but he still couldn’t.“Lmao. He’s gonna die. I poisoned him lol.” LB decided that a) Oh no, get Chat to the hospital ASAP, and b) This tramp bitch was gonna dieeee.

 

Rot in hell, just like Lie-la.

 

“Take Chat to the hospital.” Ladybug ordered. The teen mob hoisted Chat onto their shoulders (one brave little ant discreetly squeezed his butt) and rushed him out the Palace.

 

______

 

 

“It’s just you and me, Tramp. I’m gonna get you!”

“Eeeerrr, FACK YOU LADYBUG!” The Tramp™️ screamed before running up the stairs and jumping out the topmost window.

 

“BYE BITCH” He holleredbefore hitting the ground. LB wondered if she should call 111 and tell them to take care of the body, but she decided not to.

 

It could ruin her super heroine image.

 

As she leftthe Palace, it just disappeared as if it had never been there. Oh well, it must’ve been some weird voodoo shit. Now she was off to see her partner and apologies.

 

______

 

 

When Chat came to (came too ;)), he was surrounded by hormonal horny teens. The skank Lie-la was right on his chest.

 

“Ready for that milk pretty kitty?” She suggestively ran her hand down his chest. She was about to squeeze his junk but then, Ladybug used her dark arts/black magic to swoop in and kicked the cat-stealing whore to the curb.

 

Like literally, Lila ended up outside and nearly got run overby a 40 tonne truck.

 

“Thanks m’lady,” Chat paused.

He mulled over what he wanted to say. “Are you... are you still gonna kill me? I don’t wanna die!” He started to scramble further away from her, kicking up the sheets. LB thought that she had to put this right.

 

So she put a calming hand on his shoulder, and spoke in a loud and clear voice:

“Chat Noir, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said I’ll drown you, I would never do that really. I realize you probably didn’t know with the way Ikept saying it... kitty forgive me?” She asked with sad puppy eyes (which quickly turned happy when he nodded).

 

“Of course m’lady. But what are we gonna do with all these teens?”

“Oh that’s easy. We just ship ‘em to Canada.”

“What if we get caught?”

“Well, there’s always hell.”

“Au revoir!”

 

 

“... Demon summoning ritual, anyone?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you liked it and kudos if you want to say more! Or is it the other way round...
> 
> https://twitter.com/otodifiore/status/1107709581210333185?s=21


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